I sat here about six hours ago trying to write this. After about two I started to get upset, angrily slammed my laptop down and started to just walk around my room, hands behind my head. I decided to distract myself with Greek homework for a bit but I could just feel the bitterness rising up. I have too much going through my mind, none of it is resolved, and I was angry that God was making me write about things I don’t have figured out yet. For the past two hours, I have been sitting in my room alone. As I tried to figure out some kind of prayer, I found myself becoming more and more frustrated as I realized that I have too much to prayer about I didn’t even know where to start. This frustration turned into tears, as I sat on the ground crying and yelling out to God.
I have felt as though I have been in emotional turmoil for the past few hours of my life. I saw myself surfacing questions during this time that showed me where I truly am at. Through my angry tears I repeated, “This is supposed to be You caring? This is how You love me?” I started to bring up specific situations that have happened in my life. “This is how much You love me? Enough to let me be brutally abused? Enough to let the one person who should have unconditionally love me continue to scar me? Enough to let people hurt me, lie about me, hate me? Enough to let my family suffer in brokenness? Enough to leave me alone in it all?” I am being honest guys, it is hard to let it all go. I feel like somedays I can, other days I can’t. Somedays I feel as though God has it all under control for me, other days I fight Him on it because I can’t see results.
All of this fighting had left me in a ball on my bed. With tears staining my face, my heart pounding, and my body weak, music started playing on my speaker.
“For all you’ve done, and yet to do, I worship you.”
I slowly started to repeat the lyrics to the song I know so well. And I felt my spirit give up.
And maybe that is how we trust God. Maybe it’s just us finally giving up control. Maybe I don’t need to say I trust Him, maybe it’s just me reaching the end of myself and having no choice. Maybe it’s not me verbally repeating His promises back to Him but just reading them and saying okay.
I support you and I see you. (2 Chronicles 16:9)
I will help you and strengthen you. You do not have to live in fear. (Isaiah 41:10)
I want to give you good things, I work all things for your good. (Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:28)
Nothing you can ever say, or do, or think, nothing ever done to you, will separate you from my love. (Romans 8:37-39)
There’s no fancy prayer, there’s no step by step guide, all there is is us and God. And maybe that’s all it should be. Maybe it’s just us saying, “Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” (Psalm 119:49-50) Let’s stop putting the focus on trust and put the focus on God. I don’t have this figured out and I am learning that this is okay. I’m also learning that I don’t need to figure it all out on my own. I wrote on September 14th, “I’m feeling alone again. God, I need help but I am too afraid to ask. I imagine you are just going to say I’m being too emotional and ignore me until I get my act together. Will you not help me process it all? I just desperately need you to help me sort through all the mess.” The only way my brain can handle being a brain is by making a list. So that’s what I did. I asked God to help me figure out the mess and presented Him with the mess.
-hurts from (list of people)
-feelings of inadequacy, ugliness, unworthiness, loneliness, and weakness
-not being enough
After writing this prayer, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning to read a devotional I haven’t read in ages. It said, “I can smooth out all the tangled-up places, including those in your mind and heart. So, come to Me just as you are, with all your knotty problems and loose ends. Many of your difficulties are complicated by other people’s perplexities. It can be hard to sort out how much of the mess is yours and how much is theirs. Be willing to take responsibility for your own mistakes and sin without feeling responsible for the sinful failures of others. I am here to help you untangle your complex problems and find the best way to go forward. Some of the knots from your past are hard to untie, especially when they involved people who continue to hurt you. Beware of getting stuck in introspection or obsessing about how to fix things. Instead, keep turning toward Me, seeking My face and My will. Wait with me, trusting in My timing for unscrambling things and making your way clear. Be willing to live with unresolved problems, but don’t let them be your focus. My presence in the present is your portion and your boundless blessing.”
So on these nights when I feel so helpless, so weak, so purposeless, it’s simply because I am. When life overwhelms me and I start to drown in sadness, it’s because I am. When will I get it through my thick head that it’s only Jesus who gives me life? Without Him, I am nothing. To live is Christ. Trusting God is not a choice, it’s a lifestyle. I could not do it on my own, I tried and failed. Living a life trusting in myself lead me to a pile of pills and a one-track mind toward destruction. Jesus IS the only option from here on out.
I have come to the conclusion that God has all these great promises for me, for you, for us. And for some, they can trust God without reaching the end of the rope. Others, like myself, hit the end of the rope and still try to dangle on the edge with one finger gripping the sealant. And we will hang there, sweat dripping down our faces, feeling ourselves slipping and still deny the hand that reaches out to us. But we can only hang on for so long before we let go and grab onto something a little (a lot) more stable. We act like we have a choice, but really, what are the other options?
“According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” I am so defiled, fading, and perishable yet the inheritance that is awaiting me is the perfect opposite of that. I did nothing to deserve this. When I think back to the moment I gave my life to the Lord, I remember how broken and shameful I felt. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no qualifications. That moment was so clear how beautifully destroyed I was. Yet God looked at me, a rebellious, angry, immoral, bitter, hurting heap of nobody and said, “Yep. I want her.” And He never second guessed me, so why do I second guess Him?
I am desperately dependent on the Lord. This doesn’t mean that all my problems get fixed overnight, or that every day is just rainbows and bunnies but it does mean that I acknowledge who it is that is really in charge. So, “Be still and know that I am God”?