It has been a while since I last wrote you all and I apologize. Life got…well…hectic. In the best way possible! (I guess…) And God has been teaching me through it all. Of course, I didn’t recognize it until last night. Anyway, I thought I would just share.
So I quit college. And at first, I was thrilled. But then once reality sunk in, it freaked me out. Man, I had anxiety about EVERYTHING! I could not do anything on my own without having a panic attack. Moving into a new apartment, starting a new job, and getting used to a new car took a lot out of me. I was craving something consistent, something stable and foundational. Too much was changing at once. I found myself staying inside, saying no to any opportunity to go do something, eating the same foods and wearing the same clothes. Anything I could do to create some kind of familiarity. I could not figure out why all the change was affecting me in this way. Usually I have always been the one to crave change and embrace anything new or different. And I started into this new season of life with that mindset; with the confidence to embrace whatever was to come. Well, that got squashed on day one of my “new adult life”. Let me tell you a story…
It was my first day of job training. New job, new place, new new new. Anyway, this training just so happened to be about forty-five minutes away from where I live so, like the smart individual that I am, I left an hour early. Of course, what I did not plan for was my phone crashing, my anxiety shooting through the roof, and my truck ending up in the complete opposite direction of where I was trying to go. So, after a few good break downs, I relinquished and asked for help. And as any independent adult would do first, I called my mom. As I had somehow gotten myself all mixed up, my mother could not even locate me on the map and I got even more jumbled as she listed off street names I saw nowhere. At this point, I had been on the road for about an hour and half. So, flustered, on the verge of tears, I pulled into a taco bell parking lot when my mom’s phone died. I held in the waterworks and did the next thing any self-sufficient woman would do, I called my boyfriend. Of course, he was there in fifteen minutes, with dinner and with him on speaker phone, he guided me all the way back to my apartment. Now, I will be honest. He got there, came over to my car, and I cried. I nestled up into his shoulder and I cried. I cried because I was trying so hard to have it all together, to be independent and self-sufficient but you know what? I so do not have it all together. There is a ridiculous amount of change happening in my life and no, no I do not have any idea what I am doing.
All of this is a good reminder that I am and always will be fully dependent on the Lord. As much as I try to be an “adult” and get my life together, things still happen that are out of my control. Society tries to feed us with these ideas that you have to be independent, self-sufficient, not relying or needing anyone but that just is not how life works out. Learning to be okay with needing help and relying on others is something I am going to be working on in this next season of life. Because there is simply no way I would be able to survive without the love and support of those around me. Especially when it comes to Jesus.
I have been learning to allow myself to grow. I quit college and you know what? I do not know if I will be going back. I do not know what I would even want a degree in. And I do not know what I am going to do about finances in the future, or what career I’m going to have. I do not know what my passions are and I do not know how everything is going to work out. I do not know if I will get hired for a second job and I do not know how I am going to make ends meet. And this month I let all the unknowns cause me to shut down and stop living. But why?
As I spent time with the Lord, He gave me very clear instruction. I was reading through a devotional and you know how people have been picking a word to focus on for this upcoming year? Yah, well the Lord gave me one.
I laughed because it is the opposite of what I have been trying to do. It is the opposite of what society is telling me to do and it is definitely the opposite of what my parents want me to do. Everyone wants me to be “an adult”. They want me to be able to take care of everything on my own, become an “independent woman”. God wants me to be His child. He wants me to enter this year with the mindset of a child. Not in the ignorant way, but in a way filled with wonder; a childlike wonder, a freedom from care, a joy and a hope that is not fading, a confidence that cannot be shaken. He wants me to lean into Him, as His beloved child, trusting that He will provide and protect me. He wants me to fully become all that He has created me to be and learn to improve in the areas in which I can. He wants me to live in each moment, not worrying about the future but planning so accordingly as to align with His will for my life. “This life of faith consists in just this- being a child in the Father’s house. And when this is said, enough is said to transform every weary, burdened life into one of blessedness and rest.”
And you know what? I am okay with not knowing. That’s part of the thrill of life! But I can cling to what I do know, and that is that the Lord has the plan and will reveal each part to me as it comes. For now, I just embrace each moment and live my life to best honor His name. And that is the secret of life: living contentedly in the moment.
“Therefore, take not thought, saying, What shall we eat? Or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? . . . for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.” Matthew 6:31-32