Yes. If there is one thing I am terrible at, it’s talking about relationships. I mean, I don’t even talk to God about them (although I’m trying to more). It’s just that growing up, I was never able to talk to my dad about boys, relationships, anything feelings related…so I kind of view God the same way. But, He has been putting it on my heart to move out of my comfort zone and write about it. So here it is! God has so gracefully placed a man in my life that is worth writing about, that is for sure.
His name is Jeremy and he is incredible.
To briefly sum up our “story”, (I’m actually cringing writing this wow I am so terrible), we met in the midst of an extremely chaotic, messy season of life for me and became immediate fast friends. In a completely non-romantic way, I have no idea what I would’ve done without him during that time. He had just met me and yet was constantly making himself available for me to talk, to go do errands, to do anything and everything that would help me out even just slightly. Super great. He had very much liked me (too much if you had asked any of my friends), but I wasn’t in the same spot quite yet. Then I left for the summer and missed him so much it turned into some serious crushin. What he didn’t tell me while I was off traveling the world and living it up in Santa Cruz, was that he was back in the hospital, (more on that later). We finally got to see each other when I moved back to Rocklin, and for whatever reason, I was constantly telling him how much I missed him, getting really sad whenever I had to say goodbye, and finding myself extremely jealous that he was paying attention to other girls and not me (it was bad I literally didn’t talk to him for two weeks). Well, to cut this short, it turns out I kinda liked him (like a lot), and he felt the same so here we are, being a couple.
I’m just going to be straight forward. I hated marriage, I hated relationships, I honestly believed it was all evil, meant to distract you from the Lord, used only for bad. I haven’t really seen what a healthy marriage looks like and I have never been exposed to a healthy relationship personally. Coming from a past of serious sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, it is understandable that I felt so strongly against it all. I would stay up late, debating with my roommate about marriage, explaining to her why I was adamantly against it. I argued with so many people about it. And I always felt I won. I had such a strong conviction that I would stay single for the rest of my life, a choice I felt I wanted to make. Then in comes Jeremy. I definitely wasn’t expecting it, and I was NOT ready for it. I lost so much sleep because I so badly did NOT want to feel anything. I was completely terrified that he would hurt me, as everyone else has. All I have ever known is manipulation when it comes to love. And I was afraid to let myself feel. I was so so afraid. I prayed for countless hours every day, asking God to take it away but He only made it more and more clear that I needed to trust Jeremy. And most fortunately for me, he is the most patient guy on the planet. He waited. And I went to a worship night as his church, where he was playing the drums. And as I stood there, singing praises to God and watching him praise God through his gift, I felt God so clearly say “I orchestrated this.” With that confirmation, I told Jeremy that I would be overjoyed if I could really be his, to walk alongside, to serve, and support and encourage. And guess what? God is faithful. God saw my hardened heart, and sent in someone so perfectly created for me, to soften it right back up.
And he amazes me.
The thing about Jeremy is that he has an incredible gift from the Lord and that is with music. I never knew drums could lift beautiful worship to God until I met Jeremy. And because of this gift, Satan (obviously) has set his sights on doing everything he can to destroy God’s purpose in Jer’s life. So, Jeremy is in stage 5 kidney failure. He had a transplant done two years ago, but it failed again at the beginning of this past summer. He has been on dialysis for the past what feels like ever, and is constantly going to appointments and doing treatment. He is tired and drained all the time, his body is in quite a bit of pain, and he has to spend ten hours every night hooked up to a machine. And right now, we do not have a transplant set up in the near future so things are a bit uncertain. But you would never guess. The way he is constantly smiling, always cheerful and laughing, and constantly putting others needs above his own. With all this going on, he somehow remains selfless. He will drop everything to help a friend out and has done so on many occasions. He will sit and listen to you vent about anything and everything, offer to drive you places or run errands for you, he’ll pick up food for you or just hang out if your feeling lonely. He won’t ever bring up his health situation, he never asks for pity. He is simply helpful. He is a man so deeply rooted in Christ that these circumstances do not shake his joy. He believes in the promises of scripture and He knows that God will work all this about for his good. He lives this out every day. He is gentle, ridiculously sweet, and so kind. He is easy to talk to and easy to be with. And I’m not just saying this because I’m his girlfriend, you can ask anyone who knows Jeremy and they would say the EXACT same thing.
For me, he has been the biggest blessing. It’s so hard for me to be real like this. But he has taught me what love really is. In this relationship, I have expected him to be mad at me, to yell at me, to hit me or choke me, to treat me like I’m worthless. And I have been so pleasantly surprised that, it’s actually not like that at all. He doesn’t try to manipulate me or hurt me, he tries to cherish me and treasure me. He builds me up as a woman of God and pushes me to pursue the passions God has placed on my heart. He accepts who I am, but always encourages me to become a better version of myself. He reminds me of my value and worth, that my identity is rooted in what Christ says about me not defined by what others have labeled me with. He breaks the lie that I am ugly and unimportant by making me feel beautiful and loved so deeply. Guys, you have no idea how huge this is for me unless you have been in that abusive situation. You know how ingrained those lies, feelings and images become and how hard they are to break. And I told God countless times that I could never do it on my own. I didn’t know He would answer that prayer through a person.
But I couldn’t be more thankful.
So, the moral of the story is, God redeems. God took something so twisted and destroyed in my life, and pieced it back together through Jeremy being that tangible representation of Christ. He has redeemed something so sacred and beautiful, and He has redeemed me. Because God is faithful.
God is faithful.
And Jer, if you are reading this, know that I love you and that I am so proud of you. Your strength and your faith are an inspiration to so many. Never give up. If God can take something so broken in my life and bring healing, He can do it for you.