The Infinite Abyss.


I hadn’t been writing for a while because I didn’t feel special anymore. Well, not me, but this blog. It seems that everyone and their mothers have a blog nowadays and that discouraged me from using mine anymore. Isn’t that sad? But for some reason, that has been me my whole life. I wouldn’t do something unless I could be the only one, the unique one, the different one. I like standing out. It is a huge motivation for me in life. (I’m secretly hoping I am not the only one in this…) So, I stopped writing. I didn’t want people to think I am just writing for the sake of having a blog as part of the trend. The only reason I started writing on this website is because it was something the Lord had prompted me to do. And even THAT sounds too cliche. But it’s true.

Today I was on the phone with my sister, and she was asking me questions about my life. There were parts of my story that she didn’t quite understand, or she wanted to know more about what happened to me. Of course, I am always willing and open to talk about what has happened to me, so we chatted for a bit. At the end of it all she was confused, she said, “Wait. How come you are telling me all of this but your like…happy?” And then it hit me how unusual that is. I so often forget, because it’s my life and we humans are extremely egocentric, that it’s not normal for someone to be normal after all that I have been through. I have been given great opportunity to work with many different young women that have experienced a lot of the same things I have and that is something I am constantly questioned about. How. How are you okay? How are you living so joyfully, so normally, after it all? How can you sit there and tell me that you are thankful that you were abused, thankful for how God has used it when I am over here suffocating under all the pain? And usually I respond with the typical Sunday school answer: Jesus. But what does that even mean? Practically that is. How can one practically allow Jesus to heal their deepest wounds and right the worst of wrongs?

So, therefore I am different. Therefore, I am unique. Because this isn’t normal. For the rest of the world, this isn’t typical. I had a lady tell me after I shared my story that it took her twenty-two years to get to where I am at. And you know what? Maybe everyone does have a blog, but not everyone can share the exact experiences and growth that I have. And because of that, I would like to think, I do have something to offer.


Now, assuming one has already come to terms with the fact that God is the one and only Healer of our hearts, minds, and souls, and is ready to fully jump into a process of healing, I want to discuss a new truth that I recently discovered that connects to it all. The question my sister asked me was, “How come you are telling me all of this but you are happy?” I am happy because God wants me to be. God wants me to be truly happy because when I am, I have found fullness in Him.

“There once was in a man a true happiness of which now remain to him only the mark and empty trace, which he in vain tries to fill from all his surroundings, seeking from things absent the help he does not obtain in things present. But these are all inadequate, because the infinite abyss can only be filled by an infinite and immutable object, that is to say, only by God Himself” (Pascal, Penses, 113).

When we are filled with genuine happiness, it means that we have allowed our hearts to be filled with God. When one has experienced a deep pain, it’s easy for us to run to people or things that will be “quick fixes”. I know for me personally, when I was recently out of an abusive situation my sophomore year of high school, I turned to tv and food to comfort me. When I got depressed or upset or angry, I would “calm down” by eating candy, or drowning myself in a tv show to escape reality. Some turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.… but no matter what it is, it will never and can never fill the “infinite abyss” because, in terms of Pascals quote, those things are finite where as the “hole”, so to speak, in our hearts is infinite. I have used this example before in an earlier blog post, but it seems appropriate to bring in again.

“…to conceive of the innate knowledge of God and his will as a kind of template or mold in the human heart. The template is designed by God in every human heart with a shape, or a form, that corresponds to the glory of God. In other words, if the glory of God were seen with the eyes of the heart, it would fit the template so perfectly that we would know his glory is real. We would know we were made for this” (Piper, Reading the Bible Supernaturally, 24).

This particular excerpt is referring to how we can know God but I believe it also pertains to how we can find full happiness in life through God. There is a template on our heart that only God can perfectly fit. And I guess after that realization, it became clearer to me what I needed to do to experience true healing. I just needed to embrace that reality, that nothing and nobody else could ever “fix” what was going on with me. After years of struggling with that depression, PTSD, anxiety, and fear, I realized that God didn’t want me to live like that. He WANTS me to be happy and He knows the only way I can really experience that, is by letting Him complete my heart.

This was just a little concept I had on my mind today after talking with my sister, and I felt I needed to share it. I could go a lot deeper into this but for the sake of the post, I will keep it on the shorter side. I love getting emails from you guys so keep the questions coming! And if you or anyone you know is struggling with these similar hurts, I am always here as a listening ear and can point you in the right direction of some resources that I found helpful in my own healing journey.  I want to conclude with this quote from Jonathan Edwards that I think ties things up quite nicely,

“God glorifies Himself toward the creatures also in two ways: 1. By appearing to…their understanding. 2. In communicating Himself to their hearts, and in their rejoicing and delighting in, and enjoying, the manifestations which He makes of Himself…God is glorified not only by His glory’s being seen, but by its being rejoiced in. When those that see it delight in it, God is more glorified than if they only see it…He that testifies his idea of Gods glory [doesn’t] glorify God so much as he that testifies also his approbation of it and his delight in it” (Edwards, Miscellanies, 495).



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