“But now that you have come to know God or rather be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to become once more? . . . For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 4:9/5:1
Long time…no talk. Sorry guys. This happens to me a lot because you know what? I am so inconsistent. I’ll be the first to admit it. I am terrible at self-discipline, I constantly change my mind on things & I do things according to whether I feel like it or not. I didn’t realize what a huge problem this was until recently. Until I had to learn this the hard way. Because apparently that is how I must learn in this life.
I made a lot of mistakes. My heart led me completely astray, I gave up on God (granted not for a very long time, but long enough for me to totally twist up my life in a way that made it hard to untangle), I lost sight of who I was and what was important, I let my feelings control everything I did. Let me be the first to say, not a good way to live your life. It creates a selfish monster. And when you live your life for yourself it leaves you feeling drained, empty and hopeless. That is where I have been living. Distracting myself as much as I can, diving into the problems of others and avoiding my own. I let things pile up. I didn’t deal with the mess that has been going on inside of me (pretty much this whole year). I let bad habits slide, I continued in destructive patterns even though I knew they were bad for me, and I disregarded God’s truth. I lived my life in the lies, knowing full well what I was doing, but too afraid, too lazy to do anything about it. I broke so many great relationships, I caused problems & stress in those I love, I disobeyed God.
Phew…now that THAT is off my chest.
My eyes have been opened. And yes, this blog probably seems to be a roller coaster of emotions. But that is because it is. This is life guys! I am always learning, always growing, always finding new things to work on. One post may say all great things about God & the next I might be doubting like crazy. Because life happens, you get blind-sided. However, part of what I am working on right now is consistency. I am working against my feelings. I am telling myself no, and forcing myself to do things even when I do not want to. I want to work on being more consistent in every aspect of my life. I am telling you this so you can keep me accountable.
Congrats! You all just became my accountability partners in this!
Amidst all the chaos inside of me, I have witnessed two constants. God. And Jeremy. I have gained a new appreciation for both throughout this process. It actually astounds me how faithful and consistent God is with me. It astounds me that I glimpse this part of God’s character through Jeremy. Just in the past few months alone, I have gone back in forth in both relationships. Yep. I know the love I have for both, but it was the follow through. THAT is what I doubted. I thought I was doubting my relationship with Jeremy. I thought I was doubting my relationship with God. What it really was? Myself. I doubted my ability in both. Because I couldn’t stay consistent in either. In this, I hurt them both. When I realized this, I felt so much pain and so much guilt. To be completely honest, I still do. I am struggling with the shame and guilt I feel not just for the pain I caused in these relationships, but for the pain I caused in other friendships I nearly destroyed through the problem of my inconsistency. So what did I do? Well, first I sobbed on my mom’s lap like a little child (ya know, as one does), but then I picked myself up and did what was necessary to move forward from this place. I swallowed my pride and deeply apologized, asking for forgiveness from God, from Jeremy & from so many others I hurt in the past. I had never realized the weight these things held until I felt the freedom from them. And then I made changes. I recognized the problem and am currently doing something about it. I am making changes. Because I need to, because I want to, because I have to. I want to get back to a place where it is not about me anymore. I want to get back to a place where I am healthy, ready to freely give crazy amounts of love I have in my heart, eager to serve with no expectations. And in this discipline of saying no to myself, of making myself do the opposite of what I feel and of choosing to believe the truth even when the lies are screaming in my head, I have found freedom. I had not realized that I allowed myself back into the bonds of slavery to my emotions. And now that I am experiencing life without them, I am free.
“But if I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.” (Galatians 5:16-18)
I want to encourage you. If you feel like you are just so messy, that you are just too much, that everything is chaotic and falling apart and there’s no way you can keep going, there is freedom. There is relief. There is a life awaiting you where you are no longer burdened by your inconsistent emotions. There is a God who is ready to show you freedom in discipline. You can control your feelings, you can say no, you can set boundaries, you can trust God even when you don’t want to. Life is made up of choices, and I promise these will be the best choices to make. The Lord brought me a song; a song specifically for this season of my life.
“If You say ‘it’s wrong’, then I’ll say ‘no’
If You say ‘release’, I’m letting go
If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin
And when You say to jump, I’m diving in
If You say ‘be still’, then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
I don’t wanna follow my own ways
I’m done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me”
(Spirit Lead Me by Influence Music)
I listen to this everyday. It is such a good reminder that this life is not my own, that I live for God alone. The Holy Spirit inside me is ready to lead me in the way I should go if I could just step aside for two seconds. I have done this living for myself thing and it just simply does. not. work. I am ready for this new season, a season of consistency, a season of discipline, a season of change.
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9